Oh I am a lentil!
I have not identity, but cloud and stigma.
I am not seed
Nor vegetable
Nor fruit
Nor meat
A pulse.
I am the limbo of the food kingdom
Existing only to feed the people
I would not choose as my friends
They convince themselves the world is saved
Because I die
Instead of a cow.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Bizarre, Comedy, comedy festival, drama, food, fringe festival, Harpur, lament, lentil, poetry, Sarah, Sarah Harpur
This is my homage to Kate Bush’s ‘Wuthering Heights’, based on the greatest novel of all time- ‘The Da Vinci Code’.
Enjoy!
PS- I am well aware this is terrifying.
PPS- You can see this live in my show, opening tonight in Wellington!
Look, I am really happy and need to have a little brag- is this OK?
'Best Comedy' at the Dunedin Fringe Awards
What was that? Hmm? Did you just say “Sarah, this is your bloody blog, say whatever the hell you like, stop being an attention seeker and just tell me already!”?
Did you? Hmmmmmmmmmm?
OK. I will tell you.
My brand new show, ‘Harpurs Bizarre! Immortal Combat’, has just been announced as the winner of ‘Best Comedy’ at the Dunedin Fringe Festival. This is part one of very good news.
Part two- I just received an award for ‘Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series’ at the LA Webfest, for my role in ’101 Dates’.
You can watch this on YouTube...
’101 Dates’ and it’s creator, the lovely Chaz Harris, also received the awards for ‘Outstanding Comedy Series’, ‘Outstanding Directing’, ‘Outstanding Writing’ and Nick Gordon was named ‘Best Guest Star’.
In some freakish coincidence- both of these projects have been sponsored by Mojo Coffee (THANKS MOJO!). They know how to back winners. I hear they are starting a gambling ring.
Bloody marv!
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Adelaide Fringe, awards, Comedy, Dunedin Fringe, Edinburgh Fringe, festival, humour, Kiwi, LA, LAwebfest, mojo coffee, New Zealand, NZ Comedy festival, Sarah Harpur, Standup
I have proof!
Here is a set of salt and pepper shakers my Australian friend, Alecia, bought me.
One is black. One is white.
Ebony... and Ivory...
Yet, as you can see, they get along just fine!
Ahhh, nothing like racially harmonious salt and pepper!
Tastes like tolerance! Now THAT is progress!
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged australia, australia apologises for it's racist past, black, Comedy, comedy festival, ebony, festival, fringe, Harpur, ivory, love, racial harmony, racist, respect, salt and pepper, Sarah, tolerance, white
Today I feel like this:
Sarah on the inside
But I look like this:
Sarah on the outside
Not matching today.
Posted in Uncategorized
Yuss it is Christmas!
Yuss we get days off, and paid for it.
Yuss we get presents that we can later put on Trademe and use the
money to buy something equally useless!
But Christmas is not always easy, my friend. There are several ways in
which you can Christmasley ruin your life. If you don’t hate
yourself, read on, and learn what not to do this Christmas.
Thanks for the feedback, Santy Claus. Peace.
1- Do not wrap yourself in Christmas lights. This is a health and
safety disaster. For one, you may choke. This may be cool and rock n
roll if you are combining it with a cheeky bit of self service, but
whilst sitting at your desk in front of an ageing PC, it loses its
street cred.
You could also slowly bake yourself as the gentle heat from the lights
starts to roast your flesh in such a gradual manner that you don’t
even notice the fact you are being broiled in Christmas cheer. The
plus side is the delightful smell of roast meat will embrace you, as
your internal organs start to bake.
And the 470m long extension cord required to walk down the road to get
a MOJO coffee, is a logistical nightmare.
2- Do not get too drunk at the Christmas party. There is a reason
why, till now, you have never found Martha in accounts attractive
before. That is because she is not attractive. I shouldn’t have to
say this. It is too obvious.
Yet there is Martha, 58 years old and pregnant to you. And there you
are, divorced and paying child support for a child with a lazy eye.
And (if you are a woman) confused as to how you managed to get another
woman pregnant.
Take heed, my freeloading friend!
Just because the booze is free and the boss is paying, it does not
mean that you need to consume your yearly quota in one go. Grab a 15L
petrol container; fill it up, save it for New Years eve and the
company of people you find attractive in all states of intoxication.
3- Don’t buy shit Secret Santa gifts. No one wants to imagine Terry
in a G-string made out of lollies. And, if Terry is as cheap as you,
he will probably whip it out at the Christmas Party, after he does not
listen to bullet point number 2. We do not want to tempt fate.
Vouchers for ‘1 free hug and a massage’ are creepy. And cheap.
Teenage girls will not find that funny. If you are over 25, you are
genuinely old and predatory in their eyes. As well as disturbing. Sorry. Deal with it.
4- Do not pander to fake trees. They are an abomination. Every fake
Christmas tree is an abomination. Every time one is erected, an elf
dies, and Rudolf gets a blinding pain behind the eyes (though that
could be a migraine due to having a red light constantly flashing at
the end of his nose). Real Christmas trees are a gift from god,
designed to ‘out’ the genetically inferior. If there is anyone in
your house who cannot handle the power of ‘Pinus Radiata’, they do not
deserve to reach breeding age. This is natural selection. This is
the future of the human race. This should not be messed with.
5- Do not eat Christmas mince pies. Mince should always be meat
based. Fruit has no business posing as meat. Would you want a
roasted raisin? How about a barbequed sultana? If you do, get the
hell out of my house.
Orange peel is the INEDIBLE part of the orange. Orange peel belongs
in the compost bin, out the car window; not fulfilling a life of
espionage, infiltrating pastry as a bit of beef sinew.
Keep brandy out of the trifle, for crying out loud. If you want
brandy, just drink it! This is not prohibition! This is Christmas. I
am not a baby who needs my teething gums sedated. Stop hiding booze
in food, and drink it like a man. Or woman.
And, so concludes some Christmas advice from a woman who loves meat,
virgin trifle and pine; and hates unwanted office pregnancies.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged auto erotic asphyxiation, Bizarre, Christmas, christmas mince pie, christmas party, Comedy, fake tree, Harpur, how not to, humour, Kiwi, New Zealand, orange peel, pinus radiata, real tree, santa, Sarah Harpur, trifle
In times past, humans have often turned to poignant metaphors, proverbs and phrases as a way of passing on wisdom. But, in times past, humans also powdered themselves with lead, ate their enemies hearts and made buildings out of asbestos. Sometimes in the same day.
We have a habit of romaniticising history and forgetting that social evolution happens for a reason. Cleopatra only bathed in milk because she didn’t have shower gel. She was only the hottest woman in town because Beyonce hadn’t been born yet, everyone else had blisters on their hands from building pyramids, or scratches up their arms from burying live cats.
Milk in a bath is a shit idea. You can’t get clean in the body fluids of a mammal with massive mammaries.
In that vein, there are other forms of wisdom from times past that need updating, or at least rejigging, namely, the humble ‘proverb’. I have taken it upon myself to create DJ Big Sez Remixes of the classic words of wisdom.
‘A stitch in time saves a bird in the bush’- Embroider pictures of big dogs, hang them in trees, scare away cats that destroy our native bird life
A leopard can change it’s spots- This is the new millennium, the age of Aquarius, leopards are independent women with freedom of choice and rights to become sexy panthers.
Better to have loved and lost than have a club foot. Says it all really.
Blood is thicker than an apple a day. (It’s not really. It’s a metaphor about the frailty of life and the fabric of reality being torn, thus creating wormholes. Stay with me guys!)
‘Don’t teach your Grandma to suck eggs’ should be extended to everyone. Why the hell would anyone suck an egg, let alone advise someone else on how to do it? Why would anyone sign up for egg sucking lessons? Is education is becoming too profitable? If ‘egg sucking’ becomes an NZQA approved training course, I will take this to the streets. Not in a sexy prosty way. In an annoying hippy way.
Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent being really brainy and/or socially retarded.
Hell hath no fury like a fat lady singing. Watch ‘Dream Girls’ and you will know what I mean. Angry singing is bloody scary.
The early bird is the root of all evil. Why are you up so early? Do you want to wait in a bush and pounce on unsuspecting runners? Get a decent sleep, and you might feel less stabby.
Necessity is the mother of Taniqua. Jamal and little Chantay.
One swallow does not make a gift horse in the mouth. We all know people tend to make more of an effort during a one night stand.
There is a time and a place for skinning a cat. That is in the cave days when you wanted to prove your love to a lady. Otherwise, you should probably skin less popular animals, such as rats. Even then, keep it to yourself, the SPCA will still give you a growling.
A picture paints a teacup. Especially if it is a picture of a teacup.
DJ Big Sez is in the house, kicking it to you, public domain literature stylez.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Bizarre, Comedy, DJ, Harpur, humour, New Zealand, phrases, proverbs, remix, Sarah, Sarah Harpur, wisdom
Hey You! Fancy business man! Hey you! High flying investment dude on that Wall street locational-place-area! Hey you! Fancy pants real estate agent with wanky billboards of you and your entire family, even though one of your kids has a lazy eye!
Did you know that your employees are lazy sacks of crap? Did you know that they will do anything, including urinate and smoke cigarettes to get a few minutes off work? Time that you are paying for!
That’s right! You PAY your shitty employees to duck off, get glasses of water, make cups of tea and do wees. This makes your employees professional urinaters!
My name is Sarah Lee Harpurski, and I am here to CHANGE the way your employees work with my revolutionary new system that will increase workplace productivity and make sure your employees don’t waste your time tending to their ‘human rights’.
There is no denying that, as humans, we all need to take a wee from time to time. But that is NO EXCUSE to stop the working, my fellow businessman! Let me introduce you to a concept called STREAMLINING. This is when we take an unproductive, unprofitable activity, and combine it with activities that you actually add value to your business. Unless ‘taking a bit of a wee’ is in the official job description, there is no reason why this activity cannot include emailing and conference calls. Introducing ‘THE COMPURINAL 3000′ (It’s a urinial with computers along the top). The ‘Compurinal’ is compatiable with all office software, and even has Skype. The ladies don’t get a free ride though- Tracy at the call centre can use a wireless headset and still give exceptional customer service.
That is technology! That is business! Streamline! Yeah!
We all know Dave in Accounts functions best when he is fed and hydrated. But only lazy assholes need to do this away from the desk. Introducing the ‘WORK I.V’, or ‘WIV’ (Not to be confused with ‘HOME I.V’, or ‘HIV’). Hook that slacker up to our IV drip, and let him be nourished by our patented ‘Supaliq’ super liquid- containing a secret blend of sugar, coffee, and a dash of soy sauce. There will be no need for him to leave the desk until he is off the clock!
This is your time! This is what you pay for! Pow!
James is a sexy bad ass. That is why you hired him, you know it motivates the ladies to work hard to impress this bad boy. But with the sexy bad ass comes the sexy bad habit of smoking, and the messy issue of it being illegal inside a work place. If James wants to have a ciggy, that’s OK- he is a bad ass and can’t help being born from a Harley Davidson onto a mattress stuffed with beard hair! But are you going to pay him for this- NO! Introducing the ‘MEGASMOKE’. This smoke is a concentrated cigarette that combines the power of 35 cigarettes into one puff. Naughty James will get more boom for his puff, and you will get more bang for your buck.
This is your future! This is hope! This is STREAMLINING!
So, my uber successful business comrade, if you want to get the most from your shitty staff, give me call, and I will tailor make a plan to suit your business needs. We all need staff, but we don’t need their bullshit excuses.
Posted in Uncategorized
Corporal punishment, or the use of physical violence as a way to mold or shape the behaviour of children is now frowned upon (and often illegal) in both schools and in homes.
I have a feeling that it is OK on international waters and oil rigs, but please don’t quote me on this.
A severely broken 9-year-old wrist. If you skate like a freak, you are going to pay the cost.
Some people are a bit annoyed that as parents, aunties, elder cousins and hungover babysitters, we have been stripped of the right to punish kids in the bashy nature we deem fit.
I am not really bothered by the removal of this right. It’s not that I have some kind of moral highground on the subject; it’s more that I see physical violence (as a method of punishment) as ineffective and unimaginative.
It is the word ‘punishment’ that I have the biggest problem with. We are hell bent on ‘punishing’ people who don’t behave according to our rules. And the thing is, not everyone is clear on what the rules are.
I prefer the term ‘revenge’. This is what is at the core of the issue. The kid painted a stupid scene on the wall where a dog is chasing a butterfly. Don’t ‘punish’ the child. Get revenge.
Paint a stupid scene of a dog eating a child. On the child’s favourite t-shirt.
This is effective punishment. This is revenge.
The kid wont stop fighting with it’s sibling in the supermarket. It’s embarrassing you. Don’t ‘lightly smack the child with an open hand’; start a massive fight with your spouse in the vegetable aisle. I want screaming, I want hair pulling, I want faux reports of infedility. I want black eyes and security guards. I want revenge.
The one time where physical violence is universally seen as acceptable, is when it is to prevent harm or injury. Child puts fork into electrical socket, gets spear tackled by Uncle Bruce. Child steps out in front of traffic, gets a backhand from Great Aunt Margaret.
This is an ineffective way of teaching a child the laws of cause and effect. Child now expects a loving thump from mum when agreeing to jump in the car with a strange, lolly bearing man- as opposed to a few years in a dungeon.
Let the kid touch the hot stove. It will only do it once, learn it’s lesson; plus, it is easier to explain to the cops than a black eye.
For some time now, teachers have not been allowed to vent their hatred of their personal life choices onto children who can not spell. I guess with the invention of spell check, the need to spell correctly first time around, out loud in front of your peers, has become redundant; and with it has the need to whip them with a wooden ruler till the skin bursts open.
Corporal punishment is lazy and makes the point that physical violence will solve problems. It never will. Unless you are a professional boxer. In that case, bash away, my friend.
As adults, we need to give the future adults of this world the tools they need to become productive members of society. Let’s mold little minds in a non-violent manner. Give Sally an eating disorder, not stitches.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged advice, children, Comedy, corporal punishment, debate, discipline, genius, Harpur, humour, Inappropriate, injuries, Kids, Kiwi, New Zealand, parenting, revenge, Sarah, satire, violence
Greetings.
This is Sarahtron 4 million.
I have received a few upgrades, hence my being model #4 million. I’m kind of addicted to getting upgraded. I’m a bit like that ‘cat woman’ lady, who got addicted to primitive plastic surgery in the millennium of 2000.
God, what a joke that turned out to be! Cutting open faces, that is some nasty shit. Now, we just use holographic projections. It’s way faster, and less permanent. I change my face every few hours, just to keep people on their toes.
Once I changed my face to Hitler’s face for a laugh, but people got pissed off. You’d think they would be ready to laugh at Hitler, 2,597 years after his fuck up. Jeez. Everyone makes mistakes. Just you wait till you see what Sarah Palin gets up to in 2014. She makes Hitler’s actions look like endearing little character quirks, like a flea ridden Disney dog.
Also, turns out that John Stamos is up to no good as well.
Just a warning. I wont spoil the surprise.
So I have had quite a lot of upgrades. My favourite is an application on my brain that allows me to watch two movies at once. It’s good. I balance my brain by juxtaposing cheesy romantic comedies with Sandra Bullock’s hard hitting documentaries (she made a bit of a genre change. Once she changed her face to Hitler’s face for a war doco. No one thought it was funny. But it was a war doco. It wasn’t meant to be funny. She won another fucking Oscar for that).
I also got an invincibility plug-in. It means that I am indestructible. It’s been kinda handy over the years with all the environmental fluctuations; but it has turned me into a bit of an asshole. I drive my hovercraft when I’m pissed and kill families and shit. Sometimes, when I am bored, I crash planes into government buildings.
I would feel guilty, but I have a plug-in for that as well.
So- even though I am writing this now, in the present, I guess that to you, this is from the future. Wow. I am in the future…. Oh it’s OK, you are also in the future…. Genghis Khan’s future. Are you allowed to make jokes about Genghis Kahn yet? Or too soon?
I don’t want to ruin all the surprises, but they are right about global warming. It was pretty touch and go there for a while. The sea levels rose and Earth was dominated by whale-men for a few hundred years (whales eventually got off their asses and evolved some legs), till the ban on commercial whale-manning was lifted. The whale-man blubber trade rocketed Ethiopia (the water was perfect temperature for Whale-men to flourish) out of poverty and into the enviable position of World super power.
The Ethiopians were fair and gentle rulers, but put far too much emphasis on running in the school curriculum, which led to 30 years of illiteracy in the west; but some pretty memorable Olympic moments.
Environmentally, we are vey conscientious in ‘the future’. My hand soap is made out of organic, free-range whale-man blubber, and I am wearing a hat made out of giant panda eco-fur (the great Giant Panda baby boom after world war 3 resulted in the decimation of bamboo crops world wide. As bamboo was considered to be the answer to the world’s food, clothing, fuel and house-plant shortages; Giant Panda hunting was declared an environmentally sustainable sporting practise).
We have to look after the planet. I could lecture you about it, but the fact is, you fuckers wont listen.
And if you do, the flow-on effect could result in my present being fucked up. I like my panda hat.
So, yes! Global warming- true!
The big thing scientist keep banging on about at the moment is the ‘impending ice age’. I think they are exaggerating. Though it would be pretty sweet to be able to drive to Antarctica. I think I might do that next Millennium. I’ve got a lot of time on my hands, due to being invincible, and I get pretty restless.
Actually, I might write a letter to Sarahtron 5 million, and get the heads up.
Thank you for your time, and good luck. I hope I haven’t ruined the ending for you.
Best Wishes
Sarahtron 4 Million
Word of advice from the future: don’t make jokes about the victims of whale-man revolution at a corporate gig. No one will laugh, and you will be painted as ‘anti-human’ or a ‘whale-man fucker’. Too soon.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged applications, Bizarre, cat woman, Comedy, conservation, eco-fur, evolution, forever, future, global warming, Harpur, humour, ice age, immortality, indestructable, invincible, Kiwi, letter, New Zealand, plug in, Sarah, Sarah Harpur, satire, whale men, whaling
Sarah Harpur is an Award Winning Comedian and raiser of one human and a teenage cat. She has a lot of ideas. Some of them are good, most of them bizarre. This blog is also published through the View New Zealand Websites.
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