In times past, humans have often turned to poignant metaphors, proverbs and phrases as a way of passing on wisdom. But, in times past, humans also powdered themselves with lead, ate their enemies hearts and made buildings out of asbestos. Sometimes in the same day.
We have a habit of romaniticising history and forgetting that social evolution happens for a reason. Cleopatra only bathed in milk because she didn’t have shower gel. She was only the hottest woman in town because Beyonce hadn’t been born yet, everyone else had blisters on their hands from building pyramids, or scratches up their arms from burying live cats.
Milk in a bath is a shit idea. You can’t get clean in the body fluids of a mammal with massive mammaries.
In that vein, there are other forms of wisdom from times past that need updating, or at least rejigging, namely, the humble ‘proverb’. I have taken it upon myself to create DJ Big Sez Remixes of the classic words of wisdom.
‘A stitch in time saves a bird in the bush’- Embroider pictures of big dogs, hang them in trees, scare away cats that destroy our native bird life
A leopard can change it’s spots- This is the new millennium, the age of Aquarius, leopards are independent women with freedom of choice and rights to become sexy panthers.
Better to have loved and lost than have a club foot. Says it all really.
Blood is thicker than an apple a day. (It’s not really. It’s a metaphor about the frailty of life and the fabric of reality being torn, thus creating wormholes. Stay with me guys!)
‘Don’t teach your Grandma to suck eggs’ should be extended to everyone. Why the hell would anyone suck an egg, let alone advise someone else on how to do it? Why would anyone sign up for egg sucking lessons? Is education is becoming too profitable? If ‘egg sucking’ becomes an NZQA approved training course, I will take this to the streets. Not in a sexy prosty way. In an annoying hippy way.
Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent being really brainy and/or socially retarded.
Hell hath no fury like a fat lady singing. Watch ‘Dream Girls’ and you will know what I mean. Angry singing is bloody scary.
The early bird is the root of all evil. Why are you up so early? Do you want to wait in a bush and pounce on unsuspecting runners? Get a decent sleep, and you might feel less stabby.
Necessity is the mother of Taniqua. Jamal and little Chantay.
One swallow does not make a gift horse in the mouth. We all know people tend to make more of an effort during a one night stand.
There is a time and a place for skinning a cat. That is in the cave days when you wanted to prove your love to a lady. Otherwise, you should probably skin less popular animals, such as rats. Even then, keep it to yourself, the SPCA will still give you a growling.
A picture paints a teacup. Especially if it is a picture of a teacup.
DJ Big Sez is in the house, kicking it to you, public domain literature stylez.
